I Hate Titles

I swear I hate thinking of titles for my post. I was never a great writer in my English classes. In fact, I will confess, I plagiarized quit a bit. Then I learned the art of cheating my way through English. Change every third word w/the help of a thesaurus & do a footnote or whatever it is called. SHHHH!!! Don't tell my teachers. Crazy, that I have a college degree & I even majored in history, which of course is all papers & essay test. Good thing I changed to nursing. Well there are my confesses for the day.
On to bigger better things. Well OK, not so much better, but things. In Sunday school this coming Sunday the lesson is on Psalms. The entire book of Psalms. Luckily for me they give you different parts to study. One of the parts is putting our trust in God. Can I tell you how hard that is. I am a control freak. Just ask my husband or my co-workers. It is hard for me to put it all to him & have the faith that it will all work out. Of course I am talking about adoption. This is one part of my life that I am trying to put into God's hands & pray for a great out come. Here is the latest & greatest. Esther wrote us an email on Friday night explaining her dilemma with this decision. She says that she would love to place, but it is so difficult to do it. She states that it feels like a death of a loved one. She would love to wake up with the feeling that she can hand him over. She asks for us to pray that she can have the strength to do it. It was a great letter, very nice. Then we texted on Saturday for a little bit & talked about strength & everything. Then on Monday I called her to invite her to my niece's Reyna's soccer game. Because it was the best day & so sunny. She texted back & said no, bc she was celebrating father's day & then she said that she was heading to Hawaii to visit w/her sister while her sister's kids where on a road trip w/Esther's mom. She said that she wanted alone time w/Aiden & her sister. Her sister placed her first son up for adoption about 13-14 yrs ago. That is a story of it's own. After I read that. I lost it. I totally started crying & I had to leave work. I couldn't be there anymore. So I went home. I told Brad & we laid out in the sun for a bit & then got milk shakes from cold stone. Which seems to be our stiff drink through stressful times. It was a blow. Maybe that was her politely saying I have made up my mind to keep him & it is over. I don't know. I get conflicting information. An email saying she wants to place, but it is so hard & now she is going to Hawaii. It broke our hearts. I know one day Brad & I will get through this & we will look back & hopefully understand the reasons behind it. I am trying to stay positive, but it is so hard to not think the worse. I still daydream that Esther will call or text saying, are you guys ready to be parents. I wake up every morning thinking of him & I go to bed thinking of him. I feel my heart has been ripped from my chest & thrown into the garbage disposal. I hate this aching inside. Today at work a x-ray tech brought her baby son that was born on the same day as Aiden in for a luncheon. It was hard to be in the same room. He was such a sweet little baby. It made me miss Aiden so much more. I think about what he is doing every moment of the day. I am sure he is sleeping, eating & poohing a lot. When she said she was going to Hawaii, I thought about an outfit I bought that says beach bum. It is the cutest outfit. Brad took down the crib yesterday. It needed to be done. It was hard to not go in & stand by the crib & imaging him sleeping all bundled up. The worst is the dogs go in every time & look into the crib looking for him. It was a great 24 hrs we had with him & we will cherish it everyday. I still wish we could have more.
Now that we have been through this adoption & I know I can't go into the past, which I would love, but things I would have done differently. I wish I could tell Esther, that it will be harder then you think & the first 72 hrs after placement, will be the hardest 72 hrs EVER. I wish her parents told her no, on getting Aiden back. I wish they would have told her, it is time to start grieving & there are people there you can talk with. I wish she got counseling prior to this & talked with other birthmothers. In fact, I would hope that she would think, I will place & then go to Hawaii & be with my sister that can comfort me in this difficult time. But I can't go into the past, let alone change someones mind, but we can only look forward to the future. Brad & I joke that the next adoption, we don't want to know if we have been chosen, we just want to get a phone call saying here is your baby w/no strings attached & then we can live happily ever after. HAHAHAHA!!! What a fantasy I live in. In the end, it was a great adoption process & we will do it again. We are thankful that we meet Esther & her family. I hope that no body thinks that they are bad people, they are wonderful. They are a lot of fun & it was great knowing them. I don't know how long it will take me to get over it or to finally realize that she may never place Aiden into our arms. But I can always hope & pray. We will continue to pray for Esther & that she can find that strength, even if it is a month down the road. We also pray that she will recognize when she has (if not already) the strength, that she will have faith that she can do it. In God all things are possible:)

Good Things to Come

An amazing friend of mine, who might I add, has endured a lot more then me. Sent me this great video. This I feel helps on all levels. I thank you & all those that are praying for us as well as Esther. If any of you are having a bad day or are just not doing well, continue the fight!!! It will be alright. I know the Savior lives & I know that he is there for everybody. No matter your circumstances he loves you & he died for you to return to live with him. I am thankful for the Book of Mormon & the Bible & learning from their experiences. I am especially thankful for a living prophet on the earth today that leads & guides us through these difficult times. I am very thankful for this adoption. We have been blessed to know Esther & her family. We pray for them all, that they will know what to do in this situation. Esther & Aiden will always be in our prayers. We will continue to pray that Esther will do what is right & that she will do it with Heavenly Father's help. I hope she realizes that she isn't alone & that He loves her so much. We are all loved. I hope you enjoy this video. Good Things to Come

Free Agency

Is a gift from God to chose for ourselves what we want to do. There are blessings when we choose the right & then there are consequences when we don't. It is a great gift & sometimes I just want to take away certain peoples free agency. Well. Where do I begin. Last night we hadn't heard from the birthmother Esther, so I decided to text her mother. Asked how things were going & wanted to give Esther & Aiden there space. I ended with is Esther ready for tomorrow morning. Then about an hour or so later we heard from our social worker. She says that Esther can't picture her life with out Aiden. Esther did talk with the social worker & I don't know exactly what was said. She was given people to talk to that have placed their children up for adoption. But it is still Esther's choice. So now we have to go through life that this adoption is over, unless Esther changes her mind. Which we are still hoping for, but again she is the one that needs to make that decision. Believe me you, Brad & I are livid. I would love to smack her & tell her to snap out of it. The thing is, Esther is not a bad person. She is very nice & a great person. She isn't scary or weird. She just had a baby & I am sure the hormones are going crazy. She didn't prepare for this, AT ALL!!! I knew this was going to happen. I told Brad over & over again, that Esther has no idea what she is getting herself into. She reassured us throughout everything that she was going to place. She said she is stubborn & when she makes her mind up, she follows through. She didn't see this coming.
It will take time for Brad & I to get over this. In fact we will talk about this for a long time. They talk about the birthmother having to grieve loosing a child through adoption, but no one thinks that the adoptive parents have to grieve over returning the child. We had a great night with him & we wanted more. Brad was more attached then me. He was so excited. He can't wait to be a dad. He will be the best one out there. It broke my heart to tell him. We will get through this. We feel bad for the next birthmother who chooses us. Because we have now been jaded twice & the next one we'll believe it when it happens. In fact we will announce we adopted when the kid graduates high school. The sad thing is we will probably never hear from the birthmother. I really hope she changes her mind. I hope & pray that she truly thinks about Aiden's needs before her own. Also, if she decides to keep him. I want the name back. I know that is horrible to say. But that is how I feel.
We pray for Esther & that she will get through this. I know the Savior loves her & is with her. I can't image what she is going through or what her family is going through as well. But we will get through this & will adopt again. Again, we won't lie, we do want Aiden. We also pray for Aiden and that he is doing well & growing & developing.
We thank everyone who has been there for us & have prayed for both Brad & I, & especially for Esther. This is not the end.

Ups & Downs of Adoption

Before I go into too much detail for the adoption. I first want to say, I have a great set of friends. I couldn't have asked for a better set. I have been truly blessed with the best of the besties. I know only the Lord knows what will come about & he will be the one I lean on the most. I am thankful for him & for the friends that he has sent into my life to carry me through it all. That sounds like bad things are coming. I am trying not to sound like everything is horrible. But adoption has its ups & downs. Right now we are just in between. Let start with the 7th of June. The birthmother goes into get her cervix ripened. Which by the way, I think is the funniest sound thing in the world. It just makes me think she is a banana or a tomato or something. But she went in. They said that if she hit 4 cms then they will admit her. Well after putting 1/4 of tablet in her cervix & having her walk & walk, she only dilated to a nearly 3. So she was sent home & was instructed to return the next day and do it again. Well at about 2-3 in the morning she was having increased pain & her & her mom went to the hospital. I don't think she was a complete 4, but she was in a lot of pain & they admitted her. We got wind about 9 am, I think. It literally feels like years have gone by. But we were called again about 10 or 11 & was told she went from a 5 to a 7 & she was getting an epidural & to come to the hospital. We got there right after it was done & she was instructed to get some sleep. Her mother, Brad & I went to into the waiting room and hung out & talked. Finally she went back & checked on her daughter. In the mean time, I decided to take a picture of Brad & I waiting. I bring the camera out & lo & behold it doesn't work. We thought it was the batteries. Brad went & got the last of them at ANMC. Still the camera didn't work. Brad then went to Providence Hospital down the street & bought a disposable camera. Saved!!! Her mother came out with an update that the birthmother was at 9 cms. We waited some more. We were so bored. I wish we thought of bringing cards or something. They had nothing in the waiting room. Finally the time came & her mother came out & said that the birthmother had to be put onto all 4 to try to deliver & she didn't want me in there. Totally understood. I wouldn't want myself in there, if I was in her position. So I start pacing. Then about 20 minutes or so later. She came out & said that he was born. Brad & I go racing in there. There we saw the cutest & loudest baby ever. He had a great set of lungs. Brad & I were in just aw. I just started to cry & was excited for this little boy to come into our lives. The worst of it, was the poor birthmother was crying & I felt torn, because I didn't know exactly what she was crying about. They were having to message her fundus, because she was bleeding & she was crying out in pain. She was also yelling to get a picture of him, so she can see him. We finally were able to figure the phone out & get a good picture of him. Then the baby was brought to her & she yelled to see if we had held him yet. We said no, & she requested we hold him. So Brad was able to hold him first. It was great. What a sweet little face he had, with big cheeks. After him, then I held him. He was wide awake & just looking at everything. It was wonderful. Well they finished cleaning the birthmother up & we were able to talk to her. Oh, so the stats on the little, well not so little baby boy: 6-8-10

Aiden is 9 lbs & 10 oz, yes!!! and 20 1/2 inches long. He was a big baby. We couldn't believe it. Well that is what they get when they have her go over 2 weeks. Mamma Mia. But he came out wanting food as well. They had to do blood sugars because he was so big & that came back great & so he was presented his first bottle. At first he just kind of played with it & then he figured it out & he just sucked away. He ate & burped really well. In fact he even farted & I swear he smiled afterwards. But he did really well. After that they cleaned him up & him & the birthmother went to mother/baby. We stayed for a little longer & had to go home to tend to the puppies. That I night, I slept. I was exhausted. The next day, I puts around the house getting things done & just waiting to be able to go see little Aiden. We were able to go that night about 7 pm. While we were there the missionaries for LDS Family Services came by to discuss placement. It wasn't going to happen in the hospital, but at Baxter Chapel. Also we weren't going to sign anything bc she didn't have a photo id. So the next day were to meet the family at ANMC so they can use our car seat to take him to Baxter Chapel. The next we went to the hospital about 4ish & the birthmother was washing Aiden & getting him all cleaned up. When she came around the corner, she was crying & when she walked past me I felt so sorry for her. That I was going to be the one taking her baby from her. I truly felt that I was an enemy there. They never once made me feel that way, but we were going to be the ones raising him & we would be called mom & dad. It was just a certain feeling that is hard to explain. We finally got to Baxter Chapel for placement. The birthmother seemed very stoic to me & she cried. It seemed very hard for her. Like harder then she expected. She had a little bit of alone time & then she requested that she put him in the car seat & then put him in our car. Well she was able to put him in the car seat, but we ended up putting him in the car. We that was that & off we went to go home & start our new adventure. It was nuts knowing we had a little baby. We got home & introduced him to the Lucy & Abigail & they did so great. We held him for a little bit & then a good friend Jayci came over w/a very yummy meal & she held him for a little bit. When she left we put him in his swing & we had dinner. It was weird. Then we feed him & put him to bed. Then the fun began. I didn't sleep well because I was afraid I wouldn't hear him or I don't know. But I heard him just fine. He woke up about midnight wanting to eat. He also wet through his diaper. I had NB diapers & he really needed size ones. I planned on getting them the next day. We changed him & feed him. Oh he peed on Brad & himself. LOL:) He went back to sleep & I of course didn't sleep well. Next about 2:30-3:00 am he woke for more food & then he kind of went to sleep, but not really. He was using a pacifier & it would come out & I went in there to put it in. That went on for about 2-3 hours. Then he was awake & I feed & changed him & he then went in his swing so I could get a little bit more sleep. HAHAHAHA!!! Sleep that is a joke. Finally I got up & got ready for the day. Brad helped till about 3 am & he need to sleep bc he was going to work the next day. The next day I had a meeting to go to & then off to wal-mart to purchase size one diapers & other little stuff. This is were all the fun begins. We get there & my phone rings & it is our social worker in Seattle calling to tell us that the birthmother wanted him back because she had a horrible night & morning. She only wanted him till Tuesday. They wanted to bring him by at 6:30 pm that night, that was Friday. I go home & I call Brad & we both just started crying on the phone. Oh & we received his scores back from the Boise Fire Department. I asked if I could open them & he said no. I told him I couldn't handle two bad things in one day. Later that night two of my friends Jessy & Terra came over & gave us some yummy food, yet again. I told you I have some pretty amazing/great friends. We talked for a little bit & then Brad came home. Brad opened his test score while we sat on the stairs & he didn't pass. He needed a 89% & higher on the test & he got a 79%. We cried some more. I told him I hope the bad things don't happen in threes. We decided to give Aiden a bath & he did not like that one bit. We cleaned him up & put some fresh clothes on him & fell right to sleep on Brad's chest. It was so darling. Then we were off. To tell you the truth, I didn't know what to expect. We didn't know if they wanted to see us or what. We got there the same time as them. They came up to us & we talked. They told us that we would get him back on Tuesday morning. The birthmother just needed sometime with him alone & to say good-bye. She didn't get that in the hospital. Totally understood. They put him in the car seat they got him & they were off. I felt confident it would be that way. It was a great meeting. Her family is really nice & I like the birthmother. She is very nice & funny. I understand this is what she needs to go through. Adoption is a grieving process for the birthmother. After that we went to the movies w/my sister-in-law & my nieces. We saw Letters to Juliet. So cute. Then we went home & I slept! The next day her mother called & left a message on our phone telling us not to get discourage that we will get him back on Tuesday. It was great to hear from her. Now we wait some more. My whole life has been a waiting game. Come Tuesday morning I hope she can do it. I try not to doubt that it won't happen. It is hard. I think about him every second of the day, hoping & praying he is doing well. I ache for him. I do know he is in good hands. The birthmother & her mother are great people. They have a great family. I am happy that we know them. This just has been a challenge & hope it will end on Tuesday.

I am thankful for Brad & having great patience for this. He is amazing. He is the best. He is so good with him & you can see the pride in his eyes when he hold him. I know the birthmother will make the best choice for Aiden. I couldn't image what she is going through. Just think if you were to give one of your children away right after birth. I am sure it will be one of the most difficult things she will go through. She is a hero. She gave him life & giving him so much more. I wish you could all meet her. She is so fun. I hope the next post will be he is home again. I will be impressed if anybody reads this entire post. It is a bit long. So I will end it now. Thank you to all the prayers & support. You are all amazing & I love you & thank you.