I Hate Titles

I swear I hate thinking of titles for my post. I was never a great writer in my English classes. In fact, I will confess, I plagiarized quit a bit. Then I learned the art of cheating my way through English. Change every third word w/the help of a thesaurus & do a footnote or whatever it is called. SHHHH!!! Don't tell my teachers. Crazy, that I have a college degree & I even majored in history, which of course is all papers & essay test. Good thing I changed to nursing. Well there are my confesses for the day.
On to bigger better things. Well OK, not so much better, but things. In Sunday school this coming Sunday the lesson is on Psalms. The entire book of Psalms. Luckily for me they give you different parts to study. One of the parts is putting our trust in God. Can I tell you how hard that is. I am a control freak. Just ask my husband or my co-workers. It is hard for me to put it all to him & have the faith that it will all work out. Of course I am talking about adoption. This is one part of my life that I am trying to put into God's hands & pray for a great out come. Here is the latest & greatest. Esther wrote us an email on Friday night explaining her dilemma with this decision. She says that she would love to place, but it is so difficult to do it. She states that it feels like a death of a loved one. She would love to wake up with the feeling that she can hand him over. She asks for us to pray that she can have the strength to do it. It was a great letter, very nice. Then we texted on Saturday for a little bit & talked about strength & everything. Then on Monday I called her to invite her to my niece's Reyna's soccer game. Because it was the best day & so sunny. She texted back & said no, bc she was celebrating father's day & then she said that she was heading to Hawaii to visit w/her sister while her sister's kids where on a road trip w/Esther's mom. She said that she wanted alone time w/Aiden & her sister. Her sister placed her first son up for adoption about 13-14 yrs ago. That is a story of it's own. After I read that. I lost it. I totally started crying & I had to leave work. I couldn't be there anymore. So I went home. I told Brad & we laid out in the sun for a bit & then got milk shakes from cold stone. Which seems to be our stiff drink through stressful times. It was a blow. Maybe that was her politely saying I have made up my mind to keep him & it is over. I don't know. I get conflicting information. An email saying she wants to place, but it is so hard & now she is going to Hawaii. It broke our hearts. I know one day Brad & I will get through this & we will look back & hopefully understand the reasons behind it. I am trying to stay positive, but it is so hard to not think the worse. I still daydream that Esther will call or text saying, are you guys ready to be parents. I wake up every morning thinking of him & I go to bed thinking of him. I feel my heart has been ripped from my chest & thrown into the garbage disposal. I hate this aching inside. Today at work a x-ray tech brought her baby son that was born on the same day as Aiden in for a luncheon. It was hard to be in the same room. He was such a sweet little baby. It made me miss Aiden so much more. I think about what he is doing every moment of the day. I am sure he is sleeping, eating & poohing a lot. When she said she was going to Hawaii, I thought about an outfit I bought that says beach bum. It is the cutest outfit. Brad took down the crib yesterday. It needed to be done. It was hard to not go in & stand by the crib & imaging him sleeping all bundled up. The worst is the dogs go in every time & look into the crib looking for him. It was a great 24 hrs we had with him & we will cherish it everyday. I still wish we could have more.
Now that we have been through this adoption & I know I can't go into the past, which I would love, but things I would have done differently. I wish I could tell Esther, that it will be harder then you think & the first 72 hrs after placement, will be the hardest 72 hrs EVER. I wish her parents told her no, on getting Aiden back. I wish they would have told her, it is time to start grieving & there are people there you can talk with. I wish she got counseling prior to this & talked with other birthmothers. In fact, I would hope that she would think, I will place & then go to Hawaii & be with my sister that can comfort me in this difficult time. But I can't go into the past, let alone change someones mind, but we can only look forward to the future. Brad & I joke that the next adoption, we don't want to know if we have been chosen, we just want to get a phone call saying here is your baby w/no strings attached & then we can live happily ever after. HAHAHAHA!!! What a fantasy I live in. In the end, it was a great adoption process & we will do it again. We are thankful that we meet Esther & her family. I hope that no body thinks that they are bad people, they are wonderful. They are a lot of fun & it was great knowing them. I don't know how long it will take me to get over it or to finally realize that she may never place Aiden into our arms. But I can always hope & pray. We will continue to pray for Esther & that she can find that strength, even if it is a month down the road. We also pray that she will recognize when she has (if not already) the strength, that she will have faith that she can do it. In God all things are possible:)