Have you ever?

Have you ever wanted something so bad that every part of your body hurts. I thought I felt that way sometimes in my life. When I was in high school I wanted to go to Rick's College in Rexburg, ID. I wanted it so very badly, but low & behold I didn't get excepted & I instead went to Dixie College & LOVED it. When I was on my mission I wanted to learn the language so that I could properly bare my testimony of the truthfulness of the gospel & how amazing Heavenly Father's plan is for us. I will tell you it didn't happen over night, but I did learn it & I was able to tell people how amazing things are. When I was in nursing school & my final for pharmacology was the breaking point on passing or not. I studied my butt off & I wanted & prayed so hard that I would be able to do well & continue with my classmates to the next semester. But no I didn't pass & I survived. There are so many other experiences in my life that I wanted something so bad that did or didn't happen. Not until now that I realized that I have NEVER wanted this more then anything in the world. It kills me, my body & heart all ache at once. I never knew I could feel this way & I wonder when it will end. You guessed it, it is about adoption. HAHAHAHA!!! Adoption is what rules a huge chunk of Brad & I's life. We live & breath adoption. In fact I think when we finally do adopt, I don't know what we will talk about. Oh, probably our amazing children.
Let me take you back about 2 wks, it was a Friday. Brad & I were having dinner & watching TV, nothing exciting, just relaxing. Well my phone chimed & it was a text from Esther asking how we were doing. I was shocked. Our mouths just dropped. We thought that was odd. We were kind of getting to the point of excepting the fact we may not get Aiden back. We chatted for a little bit & then she asked if we could do lunch when she got back from Hawaii. She said she was getting back on Monday (a week ago). She also asked if we wanted to attempt to do a babysitting transition. I hope I explain. We would babysit, then return him, then babysit & then do sleepovers until Esther was prepared to let him go. I know it sounds strange, but we are more then flexible & willing to work with her. This doesn't happen with most adoption, if any. The thought about getting Aiden back was amazing. It was so hard to contain ourselves. We chatted some more over the weekend. We were very hopefully she would contact us. Well Monday came & went & no contact. That is ok. She was traveling. I thought maybe she would write on Tuesday. Nope. But this is were the story gets so interest. Hope you can follow. At work that day I was checking my email & low & behold ANOTHER birth mother contacted us. I hate to say it, but I started laughing. I totally thought Heavenly Father HAS to have a sense of humor. It was a VERY nice letter. Saying she heard our story & she would love for us to adopt her baby. She is about 21ish weeks pregnant. I really thought that we were on candid camera & someone was going to jump out behind the bushes & say hello!!! We kind of figured she was due about December. So now the thought of two adoption. Crazy. They would be 6 months apart. Oh, my heart just soared with joy. I prayed that this one would be a girl & we would be done. A boy & a girl. Couldn't be any happier. Again we didn't hear anything that night. We wrote the new birth mother back & told her how excited we are to adopt in Dec. Wednesday was a quiet day. No responses from either. That night I texted Esther saying, Welcome back... Hope the flight was well. Did you want to do lunch this weekend. As of today we have heard nothing. The new birth mother wrote us on Friday morning, I think, saying that she is having a little girl & she is due Dec. 5th. Crazy. We wrote her back telling how excited we are & can't wait. Told her if she wanted to meet or wanted to know anything more, to let us know.
SOOOO!!! Here we are, two birth mothers & two very (hopefully) possibilities to adopt. One probably more then the other. We still hadn't heard from Esther & just didn't know what to do. I wrote our case worker to see if it was appropriate to texted Esther to see if she was still thinking of placement. We need to know. I need to stop daydreaming of when he returns & start the official grieving process. The caseworker wrote Esther's mom to confirm that she is going to parent & not place. Haven't heard from her mother either. Now this is where the whole, I never thought I would want something so bad until this. I never knew the feelings that I could have for one little boy that was only in our life for a very small fraction of our life. I ache. My heart literally is in pain. I fear so much right now. I think of him starting to smile & missing it or his first little cold (I know I am strange). Or even teething or sitting, grunting, eating solids or just staring into my face & knowing how much he is loved. I wonder who will enter his life, especially when Esther starts dating. I hope that if she does date that she will not get so involved with a man that she forgets Aiden. I think of all the cases where a baby has been killed or abused because of a boyfriend or step dad. I fear the worst. I want Esther to think she is specially & she deserves the very best. I hold onto my friend Mandy's story. She got pregnant at a young age & she married another man & they are so happy & her husband is AMAZING to all their children. I hope that Aiden gets into the scouting program. Yesterday in church they were talking about Cub Scout Camp & I was a little sad because what Brad will miss with him. I pray everyday that Esther can do it, that she can place Aiden in our arms. I plead with Heavenly Father (I have to have calluses on my knees by now) to help Esther to do it & to be there for her & comfort her. I think it would be so great for him to having a sibling even though they will be six month apart & hard on us, but so exciting. It truly would be the greatest gift & dream that would come true. Now we will continue to pray & if I start walking on my knees because I can't straighten them, you will know why. Aiden I promise you if you don't come back, I pray you will always know that no matter where you are in life, we are praying for you & will love you always.
Also, if either adoption doesn't occur, Brad & I are going to Hawaii in March/April for 2 weeks. At least we will have something to look forward to.