Sunday, November 22, 2009
Life & Death
I will be the first to say that I am scared to die. I am not dying, don't worry. I think mostly because there is still so much to see & do here on earth. Reason I talk about death is, a great Uncle & a very dear friend died with in the last month or so. They were young & it ended so quick. My uncle died of pancreatic cancer. Went to the hospital because he wasn't doing well & was diagnosed, went home & died about 2 weeks later. Which made me think, if I had 2 weeks to live what would I do. One I wouldn't want to sleep in fear of never waking up. I would want to be with family & go to Italy for a week. Then I would love to go to the Temple & finally fall asleep in the celestial room with my husband. The funny part is I talk about death all the time with Brad. Most wives will give permission to their spouses to remarry & be happy. NOT ME!!! I am a little possessive. I want him to myself & I don't want him to fall in love again. He can get a dog. I have to say with death around me, it makes me think. I am grateful for the gospel. Having the knowledge of the after life & knowing that we will live again. I am thankful for that knowledge. Especially since Brad & I were sealed for time & all eternity in the Temple. That death will not separate us. I am thankful for the Atonement & that I can be forgiven for my sins to one day live with Heavenly Father. I know I am not perfect & I sin everyday, but I am thankful that I can be forgiven. I am thankful for the willingness of Jesus Christ to take upon my sins & ALL the sins of the world so that WE can return. I could never image the pain & suffering that he went through for me. I am thankful for the Bible & The Book of Mormon that teaches about Him & what he has done. When I drive home or right before I go to bed I think about what I can do to be a better person. Of course I fail because I haven't changed the things that I hate about myself. I know that I can be better. I can be a better person, nurse & wife. I especially need to be a better child of God. I am a child of God, no I am a Daughter of God. I always think that if you really knew who you were you wouldn't do the things of the world. But sometimes life is hard. Which brings me to my good friend that passed away. She knew that she was a daughter of God & she knew that the Lord loved her, but life & addictions are rough. I know she isn't in pain anymore. I know that she is loved & that she will live again. She didn't commit suicide, just her body just had enough & it was time to go. As her funeral is tomorrow & her family asked that I read her eulogy, it makes me think also what would my eulogy say. Because eulogies are always written by someone else, it makes me think what people think of me from the outside. Hopefully good. I hope I have a long life ahead of me & that I will be a mom & that Brad & I will be able to raise great kids here on earth. Like I said that are so many things that I want to do & see before I go. The biggest thing is having a family here on earth w/Brad. I can't wait. But I need to have the patience. I know it will happen one day. When I don't know. Only the Lord knows:):) But be thankful for this time of earth. It is such a small time in our lives, but will effect the rest of our lives. It is a test & I want an A++++++++++++ so that I can go to the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. That is my ultimate goal.
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Hi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteThough I am VERY happy to hear you are not dieing, I am very sorry to hear about your losses. It is so hard for us to lose those that are close to us here on earth. Even with the knowledge that we can be with them again one day, it is hard not to think of the times we might have shared with them here. I can't imagine trying to give a eulogy for someone. What preassure I would feel to try to look deeper than the relationship I had with the person, and hope I REALLY knew them well enough to say something that all of their relatives and friends would relate to and feel comforted by. (I am saying these things, because by the time you read this, you should have already given the eulogy.) I hope that it wasn't too difficult for you and that you were able to be comforted by it yourself. I can imagine a peace also, I guess.
As for you being a failure, because you haven't changed all the things about you that you don't like......I know just how you feel, but I prefer to think of it as we are still "a work in progress". We don't "fail" until it is over and we haven't done what we needed to to return and live in the celestial kingdom. Also, I think I will try to look at it like this: We are not to judge people, final judgement is reserverd for our Father in Heaven.....well, I am a people too...so, I guess I shouldn't judge myself too harshly either. :) I need be open to see the things I need to work on, but final judgement is not mine. Righ?
I am glad that you and Brad have each other to help you through this life and for eternity. We love you and miss you both.
Love,
Michelle :)
That is such a good goal to retain our entire lives! What a sad thing for you to have to read the eulogy at your friend's funeral; but what an honor at the same time. Was it the funeral that was mentioned over the pulpit that Sunday? I hope that when our 'time comes' we accomplished all of our changes that we wanted to. If not, I'm sure that's where mercy will come in... right?
ReplyDeleteMark has been surprised at how the subject "death" has been brought up around him too. I could tell it was making him uneasy right before he deployed. Not a good thing to dwell on, that's for sure.
I'm sorry for your loss, Sarah. You are encouragingly strong, though. I never have seen you falter in your steps to your goals. We all might slow down, but the ones who keep going (like you) are the strongest of all! I admire you!!