Good Things to Come

An amazing friend of mine, who might I add, has endured a lot more then me. Sent me this great video. This I feel helps on all levels. I thank you & all those that are praying for us as well as Esther. If any of you are having a bad day or are just not doing well, continue the fight!!! It will be alright. I know the Savior lives & I know that he is there for everybody. No matter your circumstances he loves you & he died for you to return to live with him. I am thankful for the Book of Mormon & the Bible & learning from their experiences. I am especially thankful for a living prophet on the earth today that leads & guides us through these difficult times. I am very thankful for this adoption. We have been blessed to know Esther & her family. We pray for them all, that they will know what to do in this situation. Esther & Aiden will always be in our prayers. We will continue to pray that Esther will do what is right & that she will do it with Heavenly Father's help. I hope she realizes that she isn't alone & that He loves her so much. We are all loved. I hope you enjoy this video. Good Things to Come

Free Agency

Is a gift from God to chose for ourselves what we want to do. There are blessings when we choose the right & then there are consequences when we don't. It is a great gift & sometimes I just want to take away certain peoples free agency. Well. Where do I begin. Last night we hadn't heard from the birthmother Esther, so I decided to text her mother. Asked how things were going & wanted to give Esther & Aiden there space. I ended with is Esther ready for tomorrow morning. Then about an hour or so later we heard from our social worker. She says that Esther can't picture her life with out Aiden. Esther did talk with the social worker & I don't know exactly what was said. She was given people to talk to that have placed their children up for adoption. But it is still Esther's choice. So now we have to go through life that this adoption is over, unless Esther changes her mind. Which we are still hoping for, but again she is the one that needs to make that decision. Believe me you, Brad & I are livid. I would love to smack her & tell her to snap out of it. The thing is, Esther is not a bad person. She is very nice & a great person. She isn't scary or weird. She just had a baby & I am sure the hormones are going crazy. She didn't prepare for this, AT ALL!!! I knew this was going to happen. I told Brad over & over again, that Esther has no idea what she is getting herself into. She reassured us throughout everything that she was going to place. She said she is stubborn & when she makes her mind up, she follows through. She didn't see this coming.
It will take time for Brad & I to get over this. In fact we will talk about this for a long time. They talk about the birthmother having to grieve loosing a child through adoption, but no one thinks that the adoptive parents have to grieve over returning the child. We had a great night with him & we wanted more. Brad was more attached then me. He was so excited. He can't wait to be a dad. He will be the best one out there. It broke my heart to tell him. We will get through this. We feel bad for the next birthmother who chooses us. Because we have now been jaded twice & the next one we'll believe it when it happens. In fact we will announce we adopted when the kid graduates high school. The sad thing is we will probably never hear from the birthmother. I really hope she changes her mind. I hope & pray that she truly thinks about Aiden's needs before her own. Also, if she decides to keep him. I want the name back. I know that is horrible to say. But that is how I feel.
We pray for Esther & that she will get through this. I know the Savior loves her & is with her. I can't image what she is going through or what her family is going through as well. But we will get through this & will adopt again. Again, we won't lie, we do want Aiden. We also pray for Aiden and that he is doing well & growing & developing.
We thank everyone who has been there for us & have prayed for both Brad & I, & especially for Esther. This is not the end.

Ups & Downs of Adoption

Before I go into too much detail for the adoption. I first want to say, I have a great set of friends. I couldn't have asked for a better set. I have been truly blessed with the best of the besties. I know only the Lord knows what will come about & he will be the one I lean on the most. I am thankful for him & for the friends that he has sent into my life to carry me through it all. That sounds like bad things are coming. I am trying not to sound like everything is horrible. But adoption has its ups & downs. Right now we are just in between. Let start with the 7th of June. The birthmother goes into get her cervix ripened. Which by the way, I think is the funniest sound thing in the world. It just makes me think she is a banana or a tomato or something. But she went in. They said that if she hit 4 cms then they will admit her. Well after putting 1/4 of tablet in her cervix & having her walk & walk, she only dilated to a nearly 3. So she was sent home & was instructed to return the next day and do it again. Well at about 2-3 in the morning she was having increased pain & her & her mom went to the hospital. I don't think she was a complete 4, but she was in a lot of pain & they admitted her. We got wind about 9 am, I think. It literally feels like years have gone by. But we were called again about 10 or 11 & was told she went from a 5 to a 7 & she was getting an epidural & to come to the hospital. We got there right after it was done & she was instructed to get some sleep. Her mother, Brad & I went to into the waiting room and hung out & talked. Finally she went back & checked on her daughter. In the mean time, I decided to take a picture of Brad & I waiting. I bring the camera out & lo & behold it doesn't work. We thought it was the batteries. Brad went & got the last of them at ANMC. Still the camera didn't work. Brad then went to Providence Hospital down the street & bought a disposable camera. Saved!!! Her mother came out with an update that the birthmother was at 9 cms. We waited some more. We were so bored. I wish we thought of bringing cards or something. They had nothing in the waiting room. Finally the time came & her mother came out & said that the birthmother had to be put onto all 4 to try to deliver & she didn't want me in there. Totally understood. I wouldn't want myself in there, if I was in her position. So I start pacing. Then about 20 minutes or so later. She came out & said that he was born. Brad & I go racing in there. There we saw the cutest & loudest baby ever. He had a great set of lungs. Brad & I were in just aw. I just started to cry & was excited for this little boy to come into our lives. The worst of it, was the poor birthmother was crying & I felt torn, because I didn't know exactly what she was crying about. They were having to message her fundus, because she was bleeding & she was crying out in pain. She was also yelling to get a picture of him, so she can see him. We finally were able to figure the phone out & get a good picture of him. Then the baby was brought to her & she yelled to see if we had held him yet. We said no, & she requested we hold him. So Brad was able to hold him first. It was great. What a sweet little face he had, with big cheeks. After him, then I held him. He was wide awake & just looking at everything. It was wonderful. Well they finished cleaning the birthmother up & we were able to talk to her. Oh, so the stats on the little, well not so little baby boy: 6-8-10

Aiden is 9 lbs & 10 oz, yes!!! and 20 1/2 inches long. He was a big baby. We couldn't believe it. Well that is what they get when they have her go over 2 weeks. Mamma Mia. But he came out wanting food as well. They had to do blood sugars because he was so big & that came back great & so he was presented his first bottle. At first he just kind of played with it & then he figured it out & he just sucked away. He ate & burped really well. In fact he even farted & I swear he smiled afterwards. But he did really well. After that they cleaned him up & him & the birthmother went to mother/baby. We stayed for a little longer & had to go home to tend to the puppies. That I night, I slept. I was exhausted. The next day, I puts around the house getting things done & just waiting to be able to go see little Aiden. We were able to go that night about 7 pm. While we were there the missionaries for LDS Family Services came by to discuss placement. It wasn't going to happen in the hospital, but at Baxter Chapel. Also we weren't going to sign anything bc she didn't have a photo id. So the next day were to meet the family at ANMC so they can use our car seat to take him to Baxter Chapel. The next we went to the hospital about 4ish & the birthmother was washing Aiden & getting him all cleaned up. When she came around the corner, she was crying & when she walked past me I felt so sorry for her. That I was going to be the one taking her baby from her. I truly felt that I was an enemy there. They never once made me feel that way, but we were going to be the ones raising him & we would be called mom & dad. It was just a certain feeling that is hard to explain. We finally got to Baxter Chapel for placement. The birthmother seemed very stoic to me & she cried. It seemed very hard for her. Like harder then she expected. She had a little bit of alone time & then she requested that she put him in the car seat & then put him in our car. Well she was able to put him in the car seat, but we ended up putting him in the car. We that was that & off we went to go home & start our new adventure. It was nuts knowing we had a little baby. We got home & introduced him to the Lucy & Abigail & they did so great. We held him for a little bit & then a good friend Jayci came over w/a very yummy meal & she held him for a little bit. When she left we put him in his swing & we had dinner. It was weird. Then we feed him & put him to bed. Then the fun began. I didn't sleep well because I was afraid I wouldn't hear him or I don't know. But I heard him just fine. He woke up about midnight wanting to eat. He also wet through his diaper. I had NB diapers & he really needed size ones. I planned on getting them the next day. We changed him & feed him. Oh he peed on Brad & himself. LOL:) He went back to sleep & I of course didn't sleep well. Next about 2:30-3:00 am he woke for more food & then he kind of went to sleep, but not really. He was using a pacifier & it would come out & I went in there to put it in. That went on for about 2-3 hours. Then he was awake & I feed & changed him & he then went in his swing so I could get a little bit more sleep. HAHAHAHA!!! Sleep that is a joke. Finally I got up & got ready for the day. Brad helped till about 3 am & he need to sleep bc he was going to work the next day. The next day I had a meeting to go to & then off to wal-mart to purchase size one diapers & other little stuff. This is were all the fun begins. We get there & my phone rings & it is our social worker in Seattle calling to tell us that the birthmother wanted him back because she had a horrible night & morning. She only wanted him till Tuesday. They wanted to bring him by at 6:30 pm that night, that was Friday. I go home & I call Brad & we both just started crying on the phone. Oh & we received his scores back from the Boise Fire Department. I asked if I could open them & he said no. I told him I couldn't handle two bad things in one day. Later that night two of my friends Jessy & Terra came over & gave us some yummy food, yet again. I told you I have some pretty amazing/great friends. We talked for a little bit & then Brad came home. Brad opened his test score while we sat on the stairs & he didn't pass. He needed a 89% & higher on the test & he got a 79%. We cried some more. I told him I hope the bad things don't happen in threes. We decided to give Aiden a bath & he did not like that one bit. We cleaned him up & put some fresh clothes on him & fell right to sleep on Brad's chest. It was so darling. Then we were off. To tell you the truth, I didn't know what to expect. We didn't know if they wanted to see us or what. We got there the same time as them. They came up to us & we talked. They told us that we would get him back on Tuesday morning. The birthmother just needed sometime with him alone & to say good-bye. She didn't get that in the hospital. Totally understood. They put him in the car seat they got him & they were off. I felt confident it would be that way. It was a great meeting. Her family is really nice & I like the birthmother. She is very nice & funny. I understand this is what she needs to go through. Adoption is a grieving process for the birthmother. After that we went to the movies w/my sister-in-law & my nieces. We saw Letters to Juliet. So cute. Then we went home & I slept! The next day her mother called & left a message on our phone telling us not to get discourage that we will get him back on Tuesday. It was great to hear from her. Now we wait some more. My whole life has been a waiting game. Come Tuesday morning I hope she can do it. I try not to doubt that it won't happen. It is hard. I think about him every second of the day, hoping & praying he is doing well. I ache for him. I do know he is in good hands. The birthmother & her mother are great people. They have a great family. I am happy that we know them. This just has been a challenge & hope it will end on Tuesday.

I am thankful for Brad & having great patience for this. He is amazing. He is the best. He is so good with him & you can see the pride in his eyes when he hold him. I know the birthmother will make the best choice for Aiden. I couldn't image what she is going through. Just think if you were to give one of your children away right after birth. I am sure it will be one of the most difficult things she will go through. She is a hero. She gave him life & giving him so much more. I wish you could all meet her. She is so fun. I hope the next post will be he is home again. I will be impressed if anybody reads this entire post. It is a bit long. So I will end it now. Thank you to all the prayers & support. You are all amazing & I love you & thank you.

Still Waiting:)

As the birthmother is about to hit her 41st week of this seemingly long pregnancy to her not me. Because for me it is a 3-4 wks pregnancy. Bam!!! Here is a baby. This is what I actually prayed for. I really didn't want a long dragged out 9 month adoption of will she or won't she. I like this, ok here you go in a month. But we are still waiting. The hospital she goes to ANMC won't induce until 42 weeks. Tomorrow she has an appointment if I remember her correctly & she hopes, as well I as hope she has progressed more. I told her to ask them to strip her membranes. I did warn her & told her it is painful, but she said she would & if they give her a weird look of, how do you know this. She says she will tell them her baby mama told me. I laughed. I having a feeling she will be induced. So one more week of waiting & preparing. Well tring to prepare as best as possible. One thing I am doing is making a sheep mobile. My friend Jayci told me about them & we planned a craft night & attempted to make them. Mine are special sheep. I am just happy that Aiden won't have great vision & can't see all my mistakes. But here are the pictures for now. I still need to add the ears, per Brad, bc he said it will look better & hang them on the mobile part. I am including the picture that it is suppose to look like as well. Can't wait to hang it above the crib. Oh, by the way, you can order one on Esty for like $80 or make them yourself for like oh, about $5.

I must be nesting!!!

I have to be. I am cleaning like a mad women. I shampooed that living room carpets & the babies room. I even vacuumed the stair. Which I HATE doing. I have washed all the baby stuff I do have, which isn't much & that includes bottles. We haven't bought too much, because of the fear that she will change her mind. I really don't want to look at babies stuff to just have a constant reminder that another adoption fell through. So for now, we have what we need to get by for about 3 days. The baby furniture is all painted. It was hand me downs & I wasn't to fond of the color of wood, so why not paint. It was cheaper then buying a whole new set. By the way, Berh primer & painter in one, is the best. TOTALLY doesn't smell like any other paint. If fact, it hardly smells at all. The mattress is cleaned & I put the sheet on it & was like, yippee:) The theme is, 'Oh, the Place You'll Go'. It is from Dr. Seuss & I love it. I want to instill in this little boy that the world is his & he can do so much. The bedding, if it happens, is Mosaic Transportation. It is cars, trains & airplanes made out of Mosaic tiles. It is so cute. We are waiting patiently. She is due this week.
Oh, did I ever tell you that the birthmother is amazing. She is the nicest person in the world, with quit a spunky/sassy sense of humor. We have been texting & getting to know her. It has been fun & entertaining at the textes that have taken place. One of them has been on the name. From the last post, we thought we settled on Crayton James Thomas. However every time I would write it, it would remind me of crayola crayons. Crazy, I know. Well the birthmother would always ask if we had thought about other names. I told her my concern about the whole crayola things & she wrote back, HAHAHAHA I call him the crayola baby. Well that was that & I got the answer about the name. Now back to the drawing board. I mentioned Eli & Peyton, I know they are the Manning Brothers, but I do like the names. Brad said NO! real quick. Then I mentioned the name Aiden. She wrote back & said she liked it. She said how about Merritt for a middle name. So I texted back Aiden Merritt Thomas. She replied she loved it. You are wondering where Brad was in all this. Sitting next to me & nodding his head. He says it is just a name. Whatever. But she said to not be surprised if she puts it on his birth card. So for now it is Aiden Merritt Thomas, but he could come out looking like a George. LOL:):):)
Other big things going on in our life. Boise Fire Department. Brad is coming home tonight from Idaho. He went down thinking the weather would be nice. Boy were we both wrong. It snowed. And Alaska had amazing weather. Why are we thinking of going to Idaho. Ok. The test was on Saturday & he says it was very similar to the test that he took for Anchorage a few years back, just a different order of the questions. Also about 400 people applied, compared to Anchorage 900 applications. We will know by June 15th if he passed the test or not. He says he feels good about it, but when I say that, I fail. Besides taking the test, he was able to see if parents & brother. The best was, his parent drove him to take the test. So cute & amazing. Thank you Larry & Laurie for being such a great help & support. I can't wait to see him.
When it rains it pours in our home. I am very thankful for this time in my life. I know I need to have continued faith that everything will work out. I will not lie, I do hold back on my excitement, but to tell you the truth, I am so EXCITED!!! I can't wait to be a mom. Brad is going to be a great dad & Lucy & Abigail will be great big/little sisters. Our house is getting in orders for a wonderful chaos to come in. Oh & Aiden means little fire. The birthmom says hopefully not his temper. YIKES! But I replied, Brad is a firefighter & he can be Brad's little fire. I know, I know I am pathetic. Till the next post. And hopefully the announcement of our new addition to the family. Thank you for all your prayers, love & support. A special thanks to the birthmother & her courage to do this at such a young age. She is in our prayers & will always be. We can't thank her enough for this. She will always be apart of our family because of him & I so can't wait to see what kind of person she ends up. She will do great things.

What do I say...

I have been think of a title for this blog & couldn't think of one. I thought about, here we are again, but I said na. I still don't know where to begin. I guess I will start with yesterday morning. It was a Thursday, my usual flex day. I don't have to be to work until 1230 & I was up checking my email. Usually I get junk, stuff about my lovely bills or lydia's scrubs. Stuff I love to delete. Well that morning was different. Brad & I received an email from LDS Family Service stating that a young girl has a baby boy that is due the end of May & she liked our profile. That was the gist of it. Brad & I had to both read it over & over again to make sure it was actually real. When we figured it was real, we wrote them back telling them that we are thankful & excited & all that fun stuff. There was more, but I am not going to go into that much detail. Well we forward it to our social worker in WA & with in 30-45 minutes she wrote back. She stated that the birth mother's mother called to get the ball rolling. I was shocked at the quick response. So I thought it would be a couple of days before anything big would happen. Boy was I wrong. Because about 4 pm the missionaries working for LDS Family Services contacted us & asked if we wanted to meet her either Friday or Saturday after 4 pm. I was like we would LOVE to. So the time was set to meet at 4:45 pm. Can I tell you that it was the longest day EVER. I thought time was going backwards. It was nuts. Well the time finally came & we meet with her. She was so cute. The prettiest thing ever. She in fact look exactly like my friend Christy from nursing school. It was crazy. It was a great meeting. We totally cried, laughed & everything in between. I can not tell the emotions that I felt. It was crazy. She was so neat. I loved her mom. They both were very personable & very very nice. So much was discussed. She is due the end of May & they think she will deliver the first week of June. Crazy quick. The way she talked, it sound like we are it. But from our last experience we felt the same way & we all know how that ended. But we talked about names & that Brad & I had different names picked out & we told her & she told us names that she liked. She really liked boy names that ended in -in or -on. One of the names that we talked about was Crayton. She likes that name. We love Crayton James Thomas. I actually love that name. Paging Dr. Crayton Thomas. But anyway. It sounds so sure. But as we were closing, I told her it is her decision & that I hope that she has a great experience. She had planned from the beginning to put the baby up for adoption & the first couple she chose fell through. So she was basically scrambling to find another couple. That is were we came in. She said that she had started buying clothes bc she knew it was getting close & they didn't have an adoptive couple. But she told us she would give us the babies clothes, stating that the baby would be ours. It is so VERY hard not to be so extremely excited. I just want to dance in the streets w/excitement. I want to announce it to the world that Brad & I are going to be parents. But I have to tell you the truth. I hold back a little. I think it is a protection thing, bc things can happen. A family member may step up & want to adopt or she may take one look into that precious little boys face & fall head over heals for him. When the baby is finally placed in our arms, then we will begin to scream at the top of our lungs. YIPPEE!!!!!!!!! Here we are again. Waiting. Which is the theme of our lives. But this is a good wait & a little stressful, but good.
We will continue to pray for her & hope that everything will go well. We pray that the transition will go well & that she will continue to know this is the right decision. We are very thankful for her & she is so amazing. In the beginning she said she was afraid that we wouldn't like here & here is me, I hope she likes us. Because Brad & I looked to frumpy when we got there. I had every intention to look normal, but I got up late & was unable to wash my hair to look like a human & Brad had to go straight from work to there. I swear we look normal & I hope that when we meet again it will be different. Her father wants to meet us. Hopefully that will happen soon.
We are very thankful for this time. I couldn't be any happier or grateful. This young lady will give us the best gift ever. We are thankful for her & will always pray for her. I wish you could all meet her. So for now, we wait & see. I will post more when I hear more:)

General Conference

I am so excited for general conference. It only happens twice a year & the best 2 weekends of the year. Well besides the birth of Christ & his Atonement. A wonderful time to hear from out Prophet & the 12 apostles & the messages they have for us. I get excited for the announcements of new temples & just updates the church is doing in the world. So exciting. In church last week our lesson in Relief Society was on preparing for General Conference. I took that lesson to heart this week & pondered & prayed about what I want to get out of it. They encourage us to come with a problem or a question and we can know that it will be answered. I thought long & hard about my problem or question. I can't really go with the question: When will I get to adopt? I don't picture Pres. Monson saying, Sarah P. Thomas on 7/25/10 you will you get your baby. But I thought more of a problem I have. That problem is my Grinch heart. I have a very small, shriveled up heart that my nursing career has sucked dry. I know those are harsh words. But statics say that nurses on average burnout at 3 years. Well I have been a nurse for over 4 years & I can honestly say that is true. People take & take & take, that I just don't have anything more to give. I am talking about my patients, NOT family members or friends. But I am going in wanting to overcome this. I know they say, when you serve them, you will grow to love them. Not the case in nursing. I need my heart to be softened and I need to love serving my patients. I think where the big problem lies, is I don't know if they are sincerely telling me the truth or lying to me to get drugs. It is so hard to discern between my true needy patients & my needy patients. So I treat them all the same. Which I know I shouldn't. I try to think of, what would Jesus do? But I fail with in seconds. I really need to know what to do to love & serve them. So that is my General Conference plan & any other messages my Heavenly Father wants me to hear. I am excited it is over Easter weekend & the talks will most likely be about the sacrifice, resurrection & atonement of Jesus Christ. Which I am so thankful for. It saddens me at time to think the He suffered for my sins, I hope not too many drops of blood. Maybe a paper cut size. But still those are very annoying. But I am thankful for Him & will always appreciate what he did for me & the best example of service. My favorite story from the New Testaments is when Jesus was walking through the streets & this women just wanted to touch the hem of his outfit & she knew if she did that she would be healed. Matthew 9:20-22. The best part is He turned about & when he saw her he said, Daughter, be of good comfort: they faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour. It is a totally of 3 verse in the bible & they are the strongest for me. I can't tell you how many times, I have wished to just touch a tiny, little bit of his garment. I am excited for this weekend. It will be great and on Monday it is a new day & I can always start over. The hard part will be to stick with it & not just return to my same old shriveled up self. One can hope.